You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
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Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.