guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
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Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Come back with a warrant
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
If I ignore life will it go away?
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????