How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
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If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I hate my earbuds.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.