I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
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4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.