Well, this explains it:
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6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
sensitive skin
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Me too, bag. Me too….
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.