There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
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If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?