Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
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I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.