[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
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If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.