So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
The pasta is now
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”