“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
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Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time