Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”