amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
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Passed by a old school Math example today.
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
went fishing caught a bass
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.