it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
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I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving