I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
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Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
is it earth
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”