Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
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There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Please do it!
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old