I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
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The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir