Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
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Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.