[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
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ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
just gave your address to some spiders
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.