me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
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[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Education is vital
This story is comedy gold 😂
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
My dad teaching me to drive
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word