Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
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My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
HOW DARE YOU
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.