Thank you corporation very cool
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As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”