Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.