We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
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Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Beware of the dog..
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.