Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
You Might Also Like
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
this has done me in for some reason
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails