Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
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THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”