if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
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Jokes on them. I took 10.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Try and stop me.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.