woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
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Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?
ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!
DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.