Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
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Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.