and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
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My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?