Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
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bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Am I having a stroke?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]