the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
sigh
i spent way too long on this
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.