It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
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Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…