everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
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Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.