Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
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moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?