*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
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My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.