Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
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For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
mariah carrie
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
I feel seen
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.