MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
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If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
[eulogy]
line?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Here’s a meme
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…