Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
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5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”