ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
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Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.