My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
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her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
This is my brand.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.