TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
You Might Also Like
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
This is Sparta
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.