You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
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Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories
also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.