Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.