I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
You Might Also Like
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I feel it
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”