so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
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When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder