Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
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*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
Good news
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!