Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
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#BatmanvSuperman
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.