The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
I triple waxed for this?
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.