The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.