If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
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Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.